The author of "Dialog #1" believes that the most interesting sexual organ is the mind, and that language is one of the most important ways we express what's on our minds. He is engaged in a project of exploring diverse interests through the conversations lovers have during sex.

Dialog #1

by Jay Packard

"I don't know what I feel like tonight--maybe I just want to have sex with myself."

"How can that be as good as with me?"

"How couldn't it be? You've got a lot to learn, you know. It's not all just in-out-in-out, pound her into the bed, come and fall asleep."

"It works pretty good for me."

"Well penetration, ejaculation and unconsciousness isn't exactly my idea of a good time."

"So what is? I can do it."

"Maybe you can. And tonight I just feel like having a penis around in case I want one, and my! Look what we have here--a penis. You're very well-equipped, if you'd only learn how to use it."

"I know how to use it! See, you just stick it in..."

"Hang on, pardner! I said I wanted a penis around in case I felt like it, not in case it felt like me!"

"So am I just my penis?"

"Tonight, I think you may as well be."

"How's that supposed to make a guy feel?"

"I dunno. Like a woman?"

"That ain't fair!"

"All's fair in sex and war, and some days I feel like they aren't all that differ'nt. Come here."

"Yes, ma'am!"

"And get those clothes off--that's right, right down to the skin. And keep your hands off me, thank you. I said I wanted a penis around, not a pair of hands. They can play some other time.

"Yeah, I think it is about the right height--you're always kidding me about my bed being ten feet off the ground, well did you ever notice it's just about penis level on a standing man? I can use that. Have a look at this."

"Looks like a set of stocks for a one-armed man. Or... hey, I hate to disappoint you, but that hole is just a leettle too big for Mr. Willy here."

"Not if he's joined by the testicle twins--don't worry, I'm not going to squeeze 'em, but they're going to come through this hole and be on one side of the board with 'le penis' as the French say. The unimportant bits of you will be on the other side. It clamps on the side of the bed just so, the hole stands up like this, the top comes off and you go in like so, balls in front, you behind, the top comes down over the base of your precious penis, I slide a couple of pins in and voila'! A cock stock! How's it feel?"

"It feels like I'm fastened to the side of your bed by my privates. Here, lemme undo those pins..."

"Not so fast, PenisMan. I got me a couple of straps here that'll take care of those pesky hands..."

"Hey! With my hands tied behind me I can't get out. I can't hardly move!"

"That, my Prime Penis Provider, is the idea. Now shut up and let me show you a thing or two.

"To start with, this is what a naked woman looks like. You've seen one before, haven't you? Well have a good look now. This is the body I live in--this is me. I've seen you look at me before, out of the corners of you eyes, well stop it! Look at me! Stare! Oggle! Do whatever the hell it is guys do, just get over it! I'm beautiful, so look at me. There's nothing to be ashamed of. You look pretty nice too. Of course, I can touch you like this--now did that tickle? Hmm?--and you can't touch me at all, done up nicely like that. Too bad, huh?"

"Yeah, ok, I see you. Now just let me out of this thing and..."

"Not so fast, Penis Person. More show and tell. Now this is vibrator. Ever seen one? Here, feel it on your nipples--do you like that? Want me to put it in your mouth?"

"Mmph!"

"Never know what it's like 'til you've tried it. But I've got better things to do with it. Let me spread out a bit...ok. Now here is what's technically known as the clitoris. Cute, isn't it? Ever had a good look at one before? Only in the pages of semen-stained magazines, huh? Well this is what a live one looks like. It feels sooo good when I touch it...ummph, ooo. My. Where was I?

"Your penis is really just a hypertrophied clitoris, you know. And it's pretty sensitive, huh? Feels good when I do this? Now imagine what it would feel like if the same nerves were packed in to about one percent of the size. That's what we got! You poor boys can only dream of what it's like. And most of you are too damned stupid to treat it with the gentleness and respect it deserves.

"Well, I see that threatening to violate the sanctity of your virgin mouth with my vibrator has at least shut you up for a bit, so let me show you a few more things. You're beginning to wilt a little, but if I give your nipples a nip or two it'll perk that bloated clitoral simulacrum right up. O, did that hurt? Remember that the next time you bite my nipples, won't you? Of course, you probably like it, don't you? Yeah, I thought so. Well just keep in mind that what's spice for the gander ain't nice for the goose. Men are continually hurting women because they have no clue how sensitive we are.

"We're this sensitive--oooo. That little touch I gave my nipple was probably more intense than the bite I gave yours. And if I touch my vibrator here...ahhhhh. Heaven. Who needs a penis?"

"Me!"

"O, always on about you, aren't you. Well here, since I have a penis here I may as well use it. Let me just get my legs wrapped around you and, uh, oh, yes... you do fit in nicely. Feel helpless?"

"Yes!"

"That's good. I like my penises to be helpless. They're so much more fun that way. But maybe after a few more lessons your's'll be ready to play nice. I've got great hopes for you PenisMan. It's all about learning a little self-control."

"AHHHH!"